A Dear John letter but not what you might think...

Dear John, I apologize.  Yesterday I totally lost it, I did and I don't feel good about it.  There you were grilling in your back yard when this crazy woman next door let loose at her poor demented husband in the drive way.  I hope your 4 yr old son wasn't witness as well.  And I want you to know that I have seldom yelled at my husband in anger in all 56 years of marriage...however I do yell sometimes if he has forgotten to put in his hearing aids.

Okay, it seemed like a simple task for my husband to take the potted plants that had been escaping the freeze out of the garage and back to our patio.  He was insisting that it be done NOW even though I was in the midst of cleaning the refrigerator in the kitchen.  Midway through my task I went out the back door to take out a bag of trash.  He was just standing in the garage and it was obvious he didn't know where to start so I grabbed a big pot, shoved it on the dolly and ran it to the back yard.  He still didn't get it so I did it again.  Finally between us we got all the pots delivered into the sunshine.
Now the next step:  I asked him to water the newly delivered pots, he agreed so I walked back in the house.
An hour or so later of cleaning the kitchen, I realize I haven't seen him on the patio.  I go to the driveway and he is standing with the hose in the garage.  The garage floor is covered with water...water all over the floor of the garage irregardless of whatever may have been sitting on the garage floor like the bag of charcoal, the new box of kitty litter, etc.

This is when I lost it and screamed at him, " You just put water all over the f...king garage floor." in my not-so-nice fishwife voice.  Geezus!!  Of course, he was baffled as in his mind he was cleaning out the leaves that had blown in.  Know what happens to a kitty litter box when it gets wet?  I hope you don't find out.

How many times do I need to get this lesson?  ALZHEIMER'S PATIENTS  can't anticipate consequences of their actions.  Not only do they have short-term memory problems but they have difficulty looking down the road to the future.  So I apologized for yelling at him but he didn't remember that I had.  Now there is the joy of short-term memory loss.

So John, please forgive my language.  I would like to think it won't happen again but I have given up making any promises about my future behavior.

Fondly,
The Crazy Old Woman Next Door Who Lives with a Crazier Old Man

Where is my ???????

Those of you who have ever dealt with an Alzheimer's patient will understand what it is like to just get one out of the house to go somewhere.  No matter how far ahead you plan or how far ahead you tell them that they need to get ready, of course they don't remember any of it.  So it is up to us care partners to monitor the progress step by step and some days all goes well.  And then some days you grit your teeth and wonder if we will ever get in the car after his insistence on checking this and that again and again or missing something.

In our case I have learned to put out the clothes I think he should wear.  This is after a few episodes of 3 shirts with collars layered one on top of the other.  But I haven't been able to dodge the last minute "I can't find...". which usually is his wallet, his calendar, his phone or his keys.  Today it has been his wallet and then his phone.  I located both in the pockets of the pants he wore yesterday.  Thank goodness I can just call his phone to locate it but the wallet has shown up in  a variety of spots around the house...the kitchen, the utility room, his office, the bathroom, etc.  And the phone disappeared twice today reappearing the last time under a pile of newspapers on the breakfast table.  I like for him to carry his phone with him when he walks the grand dog who is visiting for a few days just in case he should get lost or fall.  He has ICE numbers in it as well as wearing a Medic Alert bracelet.  Whether he will remember that he has a phone in his pocket and call has yet to be tested.  But I can call him and sometimes on the third try he will realize that his phone is in his pocket and ringing.
But we made it to our great granddaughter's first birthday party today only a little late and he had a great time.  He enjoys watching babies and little children.  He is shy about holding babies as I think he knows he might not be able to catch them if they wiggle but he loves getting down on the floor with them.  It was a wonderful afternoon seeing him having a good time and eating cake and ice cream.  These joys make all the effort so worthwhile.  I have to remind myself of that when I'm saying for the fifth time, "We are going to Kinsey's birthday party." after he asks  where we are going.

Holidays and Facing Change

Holidays are stressful times for Alzheimer patients and their care partners and ours was no exception.  Whew!  it is with sadness and some relief that I spend the day packing and sorting Christmas decor.  Relief in a way that all the hustle and bustle is over, the visitors are gone back to their homes and hubby's back to his usual activities.  Sadness belongs here as well....sad to see family leave and missing them greatly, sadness knowing that this may be the last Christmas we have on this scale in this house .  I'm sorting out discards in the Christmas decor and have sent bags of family ornaments home with children and packing up the tree and outdoor lights and table decor to set aside for the next church garage sale.

It is getting more certain that we need to get out of this house but where to is uncertain.  Some days it feels like walking on quick sand not knowing what the next step may bring.  I just can't maintain hubby and do an even adequate job of looking after this house.  

While our son and his wife were here, we went and looked at the model of a beautiful new retirement facility beginning construction in a couple of months in our area, The Crossings in League City, a Methodist Retirement facility.  It would be perfect....begin with a small apartment in independent living, then if one of us needed assisted living, memory care or nursing care, we would just advance into another unit.  BUT, and it is a big but, it requires about $300K to just get in (you do get this back if you leave; if you die, it goes to your heirs) plus another $4K a month for the two of us and one cannot get in if already carrying an Alz diagnosis.  Geezus!  It's a great place to spend one's elder years if one can afford it. They can never kick you out of you run out of money....I guess not...they still have your $300K.  Another but:  it won't even be ready for 2 1/2 years.

So I think the alternate solution for now is to get us into an apartment that we can afford even if one of us should need extended care elsewhere.

Onto the next big BUT:  getting rid of 56 years of housekeeping, raising a family, pets, and all that goes with it is no easy task.  I have friends who have done it and know that I can but it is filled with days of decisions....keep this, toss that.  Hubby still has piles of papers, piles and piles of papers and makes very little progress in getting rid of them.  So it looks like son and I will be the culprits and gradually reduce them.  I am afraid to not go through them as there can possibly be some important documents stuck among them.  So I've set a goal of one stack a day...we will see how that goes.

I can't stop laughing...

My son and his family are here from Birmingham for a few days and joined us with my daughter and her partner for the early church service on Sunday led by Rabbi Deborah Schloss (what can I say...we are Unitarians/Universalists) who led us in some wonderful Hebrew songs and liturgy.  I am sure this was all a new experience for my grandchildren but a good one.
After the service we all gathered in the Fellowship Hall for coffee and visiting.  A couple who are members were making a real effort to welcome my son and his family.  We don't know this couple well but appreciated their warm greetings.  My husband was eager to introduce our son to the man and said, "This is my brother.  We are twins but he is 5 minutes older than me which is just great.  It made my path much easier."  The man looked at Ken and my son who just turned 50 with a strange look on his face and said. "Must have been paternal."  My son is still cracking up over this.  I don't know if the man ever realized what was going on.  Maybe he is still pondering the birth of twins 30 years apart.
This happens frequently with Alzheimer's.  The patient can get the category (in this case, a relative) but can't find the right word.  But using the wrong word can bring up a whole other set of memories and they are off and running on another track and it is up to the listener to figure out where they went.  I like to call it a game of sorts.  Any suggestions for a game title?  Hearing is believing?

Down the Rabbit Hole

Well, the Christmas tree is up, thanks to my daughter's good help but hubby hasn't participated in any of the Christmas doings.  You know when you live with someone with Alzheimer's the changes become so gradual that it is difficult at times to evaluate what is the big picture and how the disease is progressing or not progressing.  Throw in some days when the patient seems clear as a bell and it can get a little fuzzy.
     Last week held a series of doc appointments including our primary physician and the geriatric team at UTMB/Galveston.  The primary nodded as I gave a run down and refilled some prescriptions.  But the new resident, Dr. Chala, at UTMB ran him through a battery of memory tests and he pretty much blew it.  It took him a very long time to say what year it is but somehow he knew the day.  As far as remembering the 3 objects she asked him to repeat in five minutes, he had even a hard time repeating them right after she said them.  Wow, 4 months ago he answered nearly all of the questions.  So here we are.  There is no other medication, no increase in meds they said they can offer.  The doc's only suggestion was to give him coconut milk and turmeric which I'm doing.  So I guess we are just in a wait and see and watch.
     Sometimes life with Alz gets hilariously funny.  The other day he got out of bed at a decent time, got showered and dressed and then ran in to me in the kitchen just frantic.  He said he had lost his hearing aids. OMG...I got more than a little discombobulated as those suckers cost thousands and we had finally got them paid off.  I raced into the bedroom thinking he may have gone to bed with them on or laid them on the night stand.  I tore the bed apart.  Nope, nada.  On to the bathroom where he usually keeps them in a covered container.  I went over it with a fine tooth comb.  No results.  I called my daughter in tears and she offered to come look.  Just then my girlfriend who wears them phoned and went over a list of where she thought he might have left them.  Phone in hand I looked.  Nothing.  Then she said, "See if he is wearing them."  I couldn't find him anywhere in the house.  My daughter arrived and found him in the driveway going through the garbage can looking for them.  She took one look at him and said, "Now really, Dad."  The missing hearing aids were in his ears.  I wonder if he showered with them.  Who knows but oh my, I was relieved.
     He continues to read diligently the Wall St. Journal highlighting it and cut out articles.  He wants to go with me on errands but ends up sitting in the car waiting listening to NPR or reading his paper.  Sunday he went back to bed saying he didn't feel well right after we got home from church and I left him there while I went to a meeting.  He didn't answer the phone when I called to check on him so I left the meeting and came home.  He was up and in the backyard cutting the heck out of the crepe myrtles and had not eaten any of the food I had left for him in the fridge.  He complains of being tired frequently.  It has been explained to me that patients are tired, that it takes a tremendous amount of energy just trying to keep their world together in something they understand.  I can accept that.
    The next day he seemed confused when I woke him at 11 am.  He wanted to go with me to the post office and the bank but stayed in the car.  As we were driving, I watched him staring blankly out of the window with that kinda glazed look that I have seen on too many nursing home occupants.  It felt to me like he was "going down the rabbit hole" and it made me really sad.  Sad and thinking we are closer to needing some help and sooner than I anticipated.
   But today he was great.  He woke up, got dressed and wanted to know when we were going to go for batteries for his hearing aids and he has been fine nearly all day...hallelujah.  The rabbit was out of the hole, for today anyway.  And his mate is going to bed now.

Another day in paradise

I managed to seen this amazing sunset the other afternoon on one of my mini-escapes to have a cup of peppermint tea at my friend's house.  Geez...what a treat!  Things are getting a bit tense around here with the holidays approaching and granddaughter staying with us for a while.  I am finding it hard to get into the holiday spirit and then get mad at myself for being such a humbug.  Part of me wants to do it up gloriously as this may be the last Christmas in this house and the other part of me is just trying to keep up with doc appointments and getting meals on the table and the laundry done.

Hubby is not having a good day today.  I want him to have as many successes as possible so I try for little tasks around the house like taking out the garbage and the recycle.  But then this morning we spent half an hour going over the schedule for the pick ups of the above which happen on Wednesdays and Saturdays.  The wringer in the schedule is that the recycle must go to the curb on Tuesday night so as not to miss an early pickup on Wednesday morning.  Oh my, even after writing it all down, it was hard for him to get it.  So I guess we will see what happens tonight which is Tuesday.

This morning we went to JSC to renew his badge which went well.  But then he starts in about how is he going to go visit his friends in their offices.  (I'm wondering if at this stage of his illness if they really want him to visit).  I explained and explained the procedure for making it happen but he continues to be very disgruntled. 

He diligently reads the NY Times and the Wall Street Journal and cuts out articles and highlights others.  He came in my office all upset about an article discussing the increasing costs of hospitals and saying that he doesn't want to be taken to a hospital because it will just bankrupt the family....saying that we shouldn't call an ambulance because it will just cost too much and it is a scam, etc.  I tried to assure him that we have excellent coverage through Medicare and our insurance company and that so far hospital visits have not cost us anything.  He would have continued the argument had I let him.  I feel sad that he doesn't have anyone else to argue with about politics, the state of the nation and the world but sometimes he just doesn't make much sense.  The granddog is back and he so enjoys walking her and so far is not lost.  This is great for both of them.

In a few minutes I will go to the library for my volunteer job in the book store.  It is quiet, we are seldom busy and I will continue to read The Book Thief, a great story about Nazi Germany during WWII.  I will come home refreshed and ready to cook dinner for however many folk show up.
And maybe, just maybe there will be another glorious sunset to celebrate another fine day in paradise.  It really is paradise, you know, in spite of tribulations.

A disappointment

Yesterday I was excited about the first meeting of the El Lago Seniors at our community center.  I feel it has a lot of potential for seniors to do all kinds of things.  I got hubby out of bed in plenty of time but could tell he was having a hard time tracking what the plans for the day were...Seniors meeting from 10 to 1 with snacks, exercise and lunch and then off to my doc appointment at 1:30.  

We arrived promptly at 10:00 and others began to arrive until there must have been at least 50 in the room.  Wonderful round tables had been set up and a table of snacks against the wall with coffee.  We got our plates and sat down near one gentleman who began to tell us his story and said his wife was going to join us (she never did and he disappeared).  Other senior women joined our table and hubby got more and more disgruntled.  At last one of his NASA buddies showed up with his wife and hubby went and chatted with them for a while.  He came back and sat down and wouldn't join in anything or conversations and wore a big frown on his face.

A darling young woman introduced herself and said she would be leading us in excercises and had chairs all set up with weights.  Everyone but hubby joined in.  He sat pouting in his chair.  It was fun and an exercise class will be offered for free every Tues and Thurs at 11:00.  Then it was lunch time and I could tell he didn't want to eat.  I asked if he wanted to leave and he angrily said "Yes."  So we left.  On the way home I asked why he didn't want to stay for lunch or exercise.  He said, "Because I am so angry about not being able to get in and out of JSC without someone taking me and picking me up."  Sheeessshhh!  So I told to go ahead and be angry about it but to quit blaming me.  I took him home, fed him lunch and was grateful to leave him there while I went to the doctor.  I think we are entering a new stage of the disease and it ain't gonna be fun.  I had hoped that this might be an enjoyable event for him....evidently not.

Finding meaning with Anne Lamott

Ah, from the front row of the Cathedral...Anne Lamott took my breath away.  Isn't that why we all write?  Paint?  All searching for meaning in our lives?  I think it could be said for all of us in the arts.  It is all about our search for meaning.  For me right now, I write to find some kind of meaning in this life I now have as a Care Partner.  From her book she questioned a friend about the meaning of the Newtown massacre....his answer:  "We don't know yet."  And I don't know yet either about that event, about the Typhoon in the Phillipines, about my small life as a Care Partner, mother, grandmother, great grandmother.
 
So what do I know?  I am learning patience in a way I never thought I could.  I am learning to find joy in the days when we laugh together, the squirrel eats from my hand, the crazy okra plant hangs on to the longest imaginable stem while putting out sprouts at the bottom, hubby's cheerful greeting every morning saying "I slept so good last night". 
And I can seriously let go of  bins of gorgeous papers.  I delivered them to TAACCL yesterday to use in their fundraiser.  Gone but there is still more and I will get to it one drawer, one bin at a time and watch my life change as I find room for something new and wonderful.  And I will find new meaning in what life brings and will try my best to be present and authentic for it all.  That's all God really wants from any of us I believe and so does Anne Lamott.

Caring for the Care Partner

You are wondering why a picture of this book?  It just happens to be by my favorite author whom I am going to greet up close and personal this Wednesday when she arrives in Houston her usual nervous wreck to sign this wonderful book.  I hope to get more copies to give to everyone I know who struggles with life.  And who doesn't?  It life, right?  It doesn't come in neat, tidy little packages, only in moments, just moments, one at a time...sometimes they are tiny, full of joy, sometimes long hours of grief, sadness but Anne's point is that we must be authentic in all of them to find meaning in our lives.  To find meaning in our lives, we must really live into them.  It is what we have to work with so take it by the horns and wrestle and ride.  Damn, that's a big order and I'm not sure I have a saddle.

For me as a Care Partner (notice the capital letters...I deserve a title) of an spouse with Alzheimer's , it means learning to live into the moments of clarity, hold on to them as part of the life we know together.  And it also means fully accepting the feelings of frustration of my partner AND myself when expectations aren't met, communication breaks down.  It means making new priorities in my life, accepting the losses of time, place, energy and finding new ways to find joy...easier said than done.

One of my joys of retirement is the time to pursue long-held interessts with great abandon, mainly art and writing.  But now I find my time is needed in other ways so much so, that I must take a close look at what is most important.  Alzheimer's disease is sneaky.  It eats away slowly at the hours.  First for this Care Partner it was taking over the finances of the household and discovering I probably do a better job than hubby did.  Then is added instructions on how to turn on the TV or dealing with repairmen and so it goes and the clock is ticking.  Priorities, priorities it says.

And so here we are now facing a move.  It is with such mixed feelings letting go of years and years of art supplies and as a mixed media artist that means not only paint, brushes, paper and glue, the bones of collage but all the other stuff like buttons, tickets, maps, game pieces and a hugh collection of rubber stamps.  However, along with the sadness, comes a sense of relief.  I like to think I'm closing this door so that another may open.

But it is the time thing that gets a bit squeamish here.  How much time do I allow myself to do things just for me?  Go to poetry events? How much for hubby?  How much for church, community?  And what of all of that is the highest priority?  And that gets back to Anne Lamott, my first priority for the week.  I am going with a friend, I will get her to sign my book and I will come home elated having met one of my most favorite authors.  Why a favorite?  Because Anne Lamott addresses the realities of life with disconcerting honesty.  She puts out there for all of us to look at those big questions about life that can only be part of the Great Mystery.
So for all you Care Partners out there trying to find meaning in your life.  Read Stiches.  Even if you don't consider yourself a spiritual person, you can dig this.

On the road with Alzheimer's

In the works for over a month was a planned visit to our friend, Sandy, in Tyler, TX.  Sandy was ready and wanting company after recovering from a broken hip and losing her husband of nearly 20 years.  The couple had been our neighbors for many years and Sandy and I went to grad school together.  So I began talking it up to hubby the week before and checking to make sure our meds were up to date, laundry done, pets arranged for, car AC fixed, etc.  We were invited to an anniversary celebration in Tyler by a couple we had known through NASA...he worked for hubby years ago and had retired to East Texas.  Hubby remembered his name and was excited about seeing him again.  Those space program threads run deep in his brain and seem to be continually present.

Because we were going to the party I checked his suitcase which he had packed to make sure he had clothes for the planned weekend events.  Oh geez...two pairs of pajamas and two dirty shirts (favorites).  Okay, I started over in the suitcase and had it all packed the night before.  Clothes for the party were on a hanger along with the clothes for him to wear on the drive up.  The departure morning arrives, I load my things in the car and wake him up and point out his clothes.  He heads for the shower and I read the paper and wait and wait and wait.  On checking, he is back fussing over the suitcase again and taking stuff out, then piling more stuff in.  I fold the wadded up shirts back in the suitcase and redirect him back to get his shoes and socks on.  Then he is on to fussing over his piles of papers on the table and making sure he has a highlighter for the newspaper he is bringing.

At last we are on the road an hour later than I had hoped but oh well.  Hubby is grumpy and obviously upset.  I ask why and he said he wanted to pack his suitcase and was confused about it.  I acknowledged his confusion and mentioned the dirty shirts.

We stop for lunch in Lufkin and call Sandy to tell her to go on to her meeting in the afternoon.  We stop at Love Point, a scenic overlook and hubby has lightened up and seems to be enjoying himself.

In Tyler at last Sandy left the door open for us and we had just arrived and unloaded the car when she got home.  She has a young dog who immediately took to Ken and made them both happy.  Sandy fixed a lovely dinner, her son and family joined us and we visited for a while, examined her magnificent garden, and went to bed at a decent hour. 
The next day after a late breakfast we headed to the art community of Edom.  Hubby seemed happy to go but complained of being tired.  We reconnected with some artists I knew from way back in my pottery days and had a great lunch which he ate all.  We drove back to Tyler, full and happy.  Then we toured a magnificent old home near downtown that has been restored and maintained.  Hubby enjoyed the video about the history of the house and thanked Sandy for taking us. 
Then we went to a local coffee house for a cup of java.  And here began the sundowning.  Hubby brightened up and said he remembered that Sandy's husband had brought him to tour the house and then to the same coffee house.  Well, that never happened.  Bob was not able to drive and never saw the house.  But it does make me wonder if there was an occasion somewhere in some town where hubby had had a similar experience.
     The next morning we let hubby sleep as we were planning to attend the party later.  I helped Sandy with some planning of some stuff she needs to take care of and then dressed for the party.  I woke

hubby to get showered and dressed.  I went back to check on him and there was water all over the floor of the bedroom (?) and he was fussing over his suitcase and had forgotten about the clothes laid out on the bed for him.  He asked over and over again where we were going.  By then it was 11:30 so Sandy suggested we go for brunch before heading for the afternoon event.  Hubby gets terribly confused by menus...bless his heart, he can decide on something but forgets it by the time the waitress asks for his order.  Brunch went well and off we went...again he asks where we are going.
      Our friends were renewing their wedding vows in a small church.  As we sat there, hubby asked over and over again where we were and why were we there.  BUT he did recognize his friend and couldn't wait to greet him after the service.  He seemed a bit confused when the party moved to the couple's home and began to frown and declined any food or drink.  Sandy was so understanding and realizing he had reached his limit, cut the afternoon short to head home.
       The next morning we were to leave and the whole scene was repeated around the suitcase, meds, and so.  On the way home, he commented over and over about what newspapers would be in the front yard waiting...he couldn't wait to read them.
        I know that any change in routine is a challenge for an Alzheimer's patient and he certainly was full of anxiety.  All in all he did well.  I was the frustrated one.  Just trying to get him out the door for most anything is a challenge by the time he compulsively checks and rechecks his stacks of papers on the window sill.  And answering the same questions over and over and over again in a 15 minute time period.  I think there will be a limited number of trips in our future as it is difficult for us both.  We've been home for a day now and he has been angry all day.  He is angry because he can't remember where he put some work he was doing for a book.  I think he thinks I moved it but knows better than to say that.  This disease has to be so, so frustrating for the patient...just imagine if you constantly can't remember where you put anything or can't find the right word to say what you want.   Books lose interest because if you can't read it straight through, you won't remember what you read.  And so it goes on ever turn during the day.  Hopefully one day a successful treatment or prevention will be found.

Surprise!

Living with Alzheimer's is always interesting and full of surprises.  In the process of clearing out and cleaning up, hubby and I came to the conclusion that it was foolish to hang on to a large collections of CDs, most of which we never listened to anymore.   The plan is to let them go and empty the wonderful cabinet they had been occupying for way too many years.  I had not used any of them since I can remember and was content to just see their interesting cases waiting in the cabinet.  So yesterday I assigned my life partner the job of going through the CDs to keep what he wanted in a new basket and put ones to part with in another box...destinations labeled so he couldn't forget.  He did a marvelous job and created a huge stack of CD cases to delete.  

Great!  Then it was my turn to pick out any that I might want to hang on to.  Whoops!  As I checked case after case, they were empty and I tossed them on the floor.  But where did the CDs go that belonged in the cases?  I found a few in the car case but where were the others?  After a diligent search, I found them all stacked in a drawer of another cabinet.  It seems when hubby played a CD, he never put it back in its case.   This must have been going on for years, not that we haven't all done this occasionally but we are talking over a hundred...more evidence that the disease may have been present long before diagnosis.           

Guess what I'll be doing today!                                                        

Another collaged portrait

I'm learning it is very important for the care partner of an Alzheimer's patient to get out into the real world on a regular basis and get together with friends.  Last night The Arts Alliance Center of Clear Lake provided that for me with another fundraiser fun time with some friends from my book club.  An evening of Vino and Van Gogh.  TAACCL provides the canvas and paint and collage material and snacks and wine and wonderful fun artist folk to help.  It was great to just sit back and play with paint...this is the 2nd portrait I've done using images from a napkin for the eyes.  This one has sea shell eyes.and tissue paper hair.  I haven't named her yet.
More good news from last night...
       #1.  I met a friend/former colleague whom I hadn't seen in years and we have a lunch date set up (another recommendation for care partners) .
       #2.  I now know where I can donate all the paper scraps and collage material (think a collection of all kinds of paper stuff for 20 years).  The teacher of these mini-workshops has been donating her stash and can use all this crap I've been saving.  Woohooo!
       #3.  I am sure that wherever we go, I will have to have a place however small to make art....whether it is art journaling or canvases, I must create to keep my sanity and health.
       #4.  Hubby with my help managed to contact a friend who picked him up last night and took him to church for dinner and discussion and he had a wonderful time and even remembers some of what went on.  He is a very happy camper today...me, too.

Today's project:  get off the computer and pack up CDs for the church garage sale.https://www.facebook.com/kay.cox

Lonely but never alone...the story of an Alzheimer's caretaker

I'm sitting at the breakfast table with my first cup of coffee. It's early..around 5:30 am..early for this slug-a-bed.  The house is quiet except for a few furry hungry feline faces wandering around my ankles.  And it is cool enough that I'm wearing a sweater.  I remember my dearest Aunt Katrina wrapped in sweaters as she grew old.  And now it's me vacillating between burning up and feeling chilly.
It's daunting and overwhelming, this task of facing the reality of where I am in life's seasons.  No one tells you early in life to be prepared for losses.  You know at some level that some near and dear to you will fade away, that your parents will transition but the gradual losses can be just as big.  My best friend, spouse, lover, partner of 55 years is no longer the companion I'd grown accustomed to as his memory and reasoning is more and more confused.  There is so much loss with Alzheimer's.
We have both lost some of our independence.  The big one for him is his independent mobility when his car keys were taken away.  My loss is in time...my time is spent fixing his meals, driving him places, finding his missing date book, explaining once again how to use the phone, the remote to the TV.  My independence has shrunk as he wants to go with me on errands, to shop, the postoffice.  At times I feel like I'm drowning in "togetherness".  I'm lonely but never alone.
 And there are household tasks which each of us have had to give up...cleaning chores like mopping, scrubbing a tub, changing a light bulb in the ceiling.  I love the ad on TV as the husband watches his elderly mate climbing a ladder to dust a high shelf.
The thing I miss the most are the long conversations about books, about relationships, government, politics, about all kinds of things.  But a bigger loss is in the works.  We need to sell our house.  It is too big for us to care for anymore and I must plan ahead for what is to come with hubby's illness.  Twenty years of crap to get rid of.  Daunting and overwhelming and very sad.  I will be giving up my studio full of art supplies and the potential of canvases and collages that might have been.  The bedrooms and closets and kitchen are easy but letting go of special inks, brushes, paints, print-making tools, art books, exotic papers, glues, rubber stamps, ribbons, tapes, pencils, pastels and on and on is just so hard.  They all have been such a big part of my life for so long, my best friend and lover.  Of course, I will hang on to a small amount of paint and paper and glue but the rest has to go.
What to do with all those journals I created for the last 40 years...the stories of my life that I was going to use as poetry prompts?What to do with all the art work I've created?  Canvases and drawings in closets and flat files?  Sometimes I think it would be much easier to just walk away with a few clothes in a suitcase.  Fly to San Miguel de Allende, Albuquerque, Asheville and never look back?  Talk about a clean start.  But back to reality, it is all about selling this house ASAP and I'm gonna need some help in finding the joy in this adventure

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